For 10 Years

I was pretty sick mentally for 10 years.  I had five psychotic breaks during this time with the last one ending up in the hospital.

This kind of sickness is the worst.  During the ten years, I was birthing and raising four kids.  Looking back, I felt pain, lots of pain during this time and I didn't know what it was from or what to do with it.  I developed some addictions.  I just wanted this massive amount of pain and shame gone. As the years progressed, hope began to elude me.  I didn't feel that comfortable with church.  Or the medical community.  I was told by several doctors that how I felt (which was horrible) would just be my plight in life.  No wonder people commit suicide.  People with mental illness already feel horrible.  Then there is the stigma which can really do you in.

I wanted those close to me to just ask me how I was doing.  To listen. To treat me with respect. To ask  questions. 

I'm grateful for the handful of friends and family who did just that.  Now that I am feeling better and can think about others a little better, I'm really grateful for those close to me who were patient.  And for those who prayed.  This has gotten me to the place I am now.  My husband and family and friends were like farmers.  Gently tending and loving, watching and waiting.

And God.  Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit.  They heard.  They were present.  I cried out, it didn't fall on deaf ears although it sure felt like it.  God's ways are higher.  Much higher.

I have hope.  I don't just have to be mentally ill.